10:15, September 26 15 0 usmagazine.com

2018-09-26 10:15:04

 

Gisele Bundchen Reveals She Considered Suicide: ‘I Felt So Hopeless'

Gisele Bündchen’s life was not always as perfect as it appeared. The supermodel reveals in her new memoir, Lessons: My Path to a Meaningful Life, that she once considered suicide and battled panic attacks.

“When I think back to a time in my early 20s, I remember that I felt so helpless that I questioned whether I wanted to live,” Bündchen, 38, recalls in the book, via Radar Online.

The former Victoria’s Secret Angel writes that she once relied on “stimulants and depressants to get me through the day.”

“I was living 100 miles per hour, smoking, drinking, eating badly, not sleeping much and living pretty much out of a suitcase,” she recounts. “It was intense! I was in transit all the time, either heading off or coming back from somewhere, which meant I never felt grounded or settled — or took the time to think about my life. It was just my life. And like a lot of people in their early 20s, I felt indestructible.”

Lessons: My Path to a Meaningful Life
Lessons: My Path to a Meaningful Life Avery Publishing

Bündchen writes that she experienced her first panic attack on an airplane in 2003 and they continued for nine months.

“When I got back to New York, this new fear found other ways to show itself,” she recalls of her first attack. “It was as if it were moving from place to place, thing to thing, room to room. Suddenly I didn’t feel right about getting on elevators. I couldn’t breathe.”

The actress writes that she turned to two top doctors in New York to help regulate her breathing. However, she “didn’t feel much changed” and later experienced another attack during a massage in her apartment.

“It felt like everything in my life was going to kill me,” she recalls. “First it was airplanes, then elevators, then it was tunnels and hotels and modeling studios and cars. Now it was my own apartment. Everything had become a cage, and I was the animal trapped inside, panting for air.”

Bündchen says she was prescribed Xanax, but she did not want to rely on medication so she threw the pills in the garbage shortly after getting them. These days, she is “much happier and healthier.”

“The difficulties that came so close to killing me, was in the end what gave me a whole new life,” she writes. “The most negative period I’d ever experienced became the most transformative and the greatest blessing.”

The philanthropist married New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady in 2009. They share son Benjamin, 8, and daughter Vivian, 5. Brady, 41, is also the father of son John, 11, with ex Bridget Moynahan.

Lessons: My Path to a Meaningful Life hits bookstores on Tuesday, October 2.

Want stories like these delivered straight to your phone? Download the Us Weekly iPhone app now!